moonlitwaterwriting:

here’s a checklist for those of you getting mixed messages about fetishization of mlm (men loving men) especially with the whole anti-anti/antis thing getting everything all muddled.

am i depicting mlm in a good way in my work of fiction?

• can you switch the pronouns of the smaller/younger half of your pairing and be holding really sexist fanfic?
• is consent ignored for the sake of the Sexy [and what you’re writing isn’t specifically tagged/marketed as noncon kink?]
• is a character who is unfeminine in canon suddenly feminized in your fic for the sake of being the ‘uke’/’bottom’ in your ship?
• are your characters ‘turning gay’ for each other with absolutely no context of people outside the ship, their own potential exploration, or the concept of bisexuality? [’closet keys’ are a thing and so are exceptions; it’s all about how you handle it esp. in regards to how the characters in question react to others and the queer/lgbt community at large]
• if there is an age gap in your ship, are you treating the age gap as part of the romantic appeal in a work of fiction not specifically tagged/marketed as kink? [ie. is it ‘sexy’ or ‘cute’ that one is 10 years older than the other, or is it just a fact of the relationship? you don’t even need to demonize age gaps, quite the opposite – but there’s a running issue of mlm as pedophiles and 12 and 22 year olds in relationships is big nope.)
• are things that are fairly normal in heterosexual ships (kissing, holding hands, snuggling) treated as highly sexual in your mlm ship?

if you’re doing any of these, take a step back, try to look at your work from a new light, and see if you can change any of these details.

and alternately…

• feminine boys are great! especially when they don’t fall into a million other ‘uke’ or ‘villainous crossdresser’ tropes
• age gap relationships especially when they take into consideration the difficulties of generational differences (queer/LGBT generational gaps even between 22 and 30 year olds are a Thing) are great!
• talking about consent in fics, especially grey/often unexplored issues, is awesome!
• kink fics aren’t inherently fetishizing or bad – kink covers a super broad spectrum which i am not covering here. assume everything on this list is talking about mature-and-lower-rated fanfiction with narrative intentions!

am i respecting mlm in fandom spaces and the wider world outside of my fanfiction?

• when real-world issues come up concerning mlm and/or the queer/lgbt community, am I immediately connecting it to my favourite ship? (ie. the Russian concentration camps… aren’t about Viktuuri)
• when mlm I personally know or interact with express concerns about yaoi, shipping, etc. am I taking it personally and/or deflecting criticism with ‘well, I’m not straight’, ‘my gay friend said X’, or ‘well, it’s only fiction’? [this doesn’t mean you need to accept all criticism; however, active listening is important especially when this criticism is well meant]
• when mlm exist in fandom spaces am I making it unsafe for them to express concerns about their safety, ask for things to be tagged, etc.?
• am I supporting mlm in telling their own stories as well as writing my own, or am I exclusively seeking out, reading and supporting [stories, comics, fanfiction] by non-mlm?
• am I asking mlm to validate my inclusion of mlm in my stories/do emotional labour/free research for me without respecting their boundaries?
• when i draw on previous reading for my stories, are any of them by mlm (essay, stories, articles) or are they all by non-mlm? [many fanfiction authors in this way unknowingly and unthinkingly perpetuate stereotypes created previously by other fanfiction authors – fandom is largely dfab and even with the growing contingent of trans men this is still a problem]
• is my entire identity wrapped around shipping men together/am i avoiding heterosexual and/or femslash ships out of pure impulse?
• when mlm bring up issues of representation, is your first response anger?

alternately..

• read thinkpieces, articles, or books about growing up gay! they’re good reads anyway
• if somebody who is an mlm offers critique or expresses frustration, try to stop and think it over. often we’ve been met with the same roadblocks over and over again.
• just because white cis gay men are overrepresented in IRL gay movements doesn’t mean that gay men are. black, latino, Asian, NDN gay experiences, bisexual male experiences, trans male experiences, etc. are severely underrepresented – and even from a creative standpoint, most straight male creators are much happier to throw lesbians into a work than to write in a gay man who gets to be happy. (not for good reasons, mind you, but i am not the person to write about lesbian representation and the deep flaws with that currently)
• try to be honest and self-aware with yourself about why you respond to criticism – taking it out on people who often have enough to deal with isn’t fair. [if somebody’s seeking you out to be an asshole, this obviously doesn’t apply.]

am i using ‘fetishization’ as a buzzword instead of an actual concept!!!

• does my ‘activism’ involve more anon hate than discussion?
• am i applying fetishization to the mere concept of enjoying two men together/to kinks I don’t personally enjoy?
• am I using it as a way to shut up people I don’t like?
• am I beginning and ending conversations with it instead of discussing potential ways of improving both atmosphere and specific instances?
• am I ignoring my own failures in favour of policing others? (when I do this it’s fine; when you do it, it’s bad)
• am I accusing mlm of ‘fetishizing themselves’ when they do try to create content that centers their own experiences and it doesn’t look like what you expect?
• am i entering arguments and discussions with decisions already made about how it should end?

alternately…

• be open to perspectives that aren’t your own. it doesn’t matter who you are, you can’t possibly know every story in the world. intersectionality!!
• understand that you are capable of fucking up. it doesn’t matter how many sjw or activism points you’ve earned. accept, examine and engage with criticism.
• if something personally bothers you, you can just block and move on. it is sometimes difficult to find the line between ‘this bothers me because it’s wrong’ and ‘this bothers me because of my personal baggage’, and it takes time.

i’ve gotten a lot of messages about ‘wait am i a Bad Person’ and hopefully this helps. this obviously isn’t in-depth but it’s a start – and I’m happy to answer questions, with the proviso that 1) i am one person 2) i am not answering questions about fics specifically for titillation/kink purposes and 3) i am not doing emotional labour or being the Token Gay Friend.