Visiting new people when the cultural expectations of host/guest dynamics are unclear is always… interesting. What constitutes good manners to you might seem incredibly weird to someone else. I grew up with pretty rigid formality as the default, on top of a layer of inherent social awkwardness. When I started visiting friends at their own apartments, I would stand until and unless I was invited to sit, and – once – prepared to spend the night lying on the floor near the door because my host had not clarified whether or not I was expected to sleep on the couch.
How does the invitation to “make yourself at home” fit in? Does it count as an invitation to sit?
Yes, generally, though I’ve rarely heard young people use the phrase. I just need some kind of clear invitation that I’m welcome to relax.
It was considered EXTREMELY rude guest manners to clean up after yourself when I was growing up and it never dawned on me it’d be otherwise elsewhere. Like you are insulting your host’s home-making skills and good intentions by usurping chores.
I distinctly recall being dis-invited to visit a family member because last time I was there I had washed my own plate rather than leaving it in the sink ‘cause that’s what we did at home. I had to go stay at my friend’s house while everyone else went to visit with family cause my ass was literally not invited to come.
So a decade later all my friends just think I’m a rude ass guest who won’t clean up after herself because I assume my making a bed would step on the toes of their good hosting and omfg, just please be clear with people you invite to your homes. I’ll do housework, or not, it doesn’t matter to me just let me know.
THE NIGHTMARE SCENARIO
Ok no offense, but like… have ya’ll ever tried… asking? “Is it alright if I sit down?” “Where would you like me to sleep?” “Did you need/want help with the dishes?” “Did you want me to make my bed?” I genuinely feel like that is a much less offensive way of going about it rather than just being idle and confused.
Asking can work, but in certain, uh, politeness micro-cultures (?) it can also almost be seen as putting pressure on the host to be accommodating. I certainly prefer my own guests to ask, but if I like you enough to allow you into my house at all, you’re more than welcome to pretty much anything I have (with the exception of, say, my actual blood… and even then…).
In other households, however, it may be almost taboo to tell a guest “no” to anything, even if it is an imposition. If I had a guest with whom I was only on formal terms, I am not certain I would be capable of denying anything but the most extreme or ridiculous of requests. As a host, I am prepared to Not Mind Anything. As a guest, I do not want to put my host in a position of feeling obligated to make me comfortable via things they are not comfortable with.
Gotta chime in with an agreement. In my family you Do Not Ask about these things. It won’t get you disinvited but you will get a stern talking to before being allowed to grandma’s house again. In our case because you’re expected to just walk to the fridge and help yourself, and asking “can I have something to drink?” is regarded as a backhanded comment on grandma’s soda selection, so like…the social minefield is real.
konekorambles 