YOU WANNA KNOW ONE THING THAT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT STAR WARS?
I was reading @forcearama‘s post about Obi-Wan’s death and her Snark Wars recap about how Obi-Wan’s all “I’m gonna cap this all off with physically becoming the Force right in front of you, which is something you’ve never seen anyone do and probably had no idea was even possible and is even funnier when you consider that you became a Sith in the first place because you wanted to cheat death;” at Vader during their fight and it made me think of Palpatine luring Anakin over to the Dark Side by promising that he could cheat death and how Sith are by word of god literally incapable of achieving this and
HA HA SUCK IT PALPATINE “NOT FROM A JEDI” MY ASS YOU CAN ONLY LEARN THIS FROM SOMEONE WHO KNOWS THE LIGHT.
Yes, Anakin wanted to save Padme’s life and this wouldn’t have been an option for her, plus he wanted to make her physical body stay alive, but that’s not the point, the point is that the only form of living beyond death we have in Immovable Objects of Star Wars History is through the light side, the Jedi and the Whills.
Just imagine me sitting in the booth off to the side at that performance of Squid Lake up there, my hands cupped around my mouth to better shout, “WROOOOOOOOOOOOONG” in the most jeering tone I can when Palpatine is all dramatic and wide-eyed about “Not from a Jedi.” and being smug that Palpatine is dead and my Jedi babies get to live on in the Force.
And this is actually the perfect thing to say to Anakin, who is desperate for a justification to save Padme, no matter what kind of deal with the devil he makes, but it’s okay if it’s not for selfish reasons, because it’s not for his own life, right? Right??
But I HAVE A THOUSAND QUESTIONS AND ANAKIN SEEMS TO ASK PRECISELY ZERO OF THEM.
WHO DID HE SAVE? WHAT QUALITY OF LIFE DID THEY HAVE? WHAT FORM WERE THEY IN BEFORE AND AFTER? WAS HE PHYSICALLY REPAIRING BODIES OR WAS HE CIRCUMVENTING FATE? IS THIS FORCE HEALING OR SOMETHING ELSE? DOES HE JUST ~*STOP DEATH*~ SO LIKE YOU’RE ALIVE BUT YOUR BODY STILL HAS ALL THE WOUNDS IT TOOK BEFORE THE DEATH? OR WOULD PADME JUST FULL ON STOP GROWING, FOREVER FROZEN IN TIME, AND PROBABLY SUPER PREGNANT FOR THE NEXT THOUSAND YEARS BECAUSE SHE WOULD NEVER GIVE BIRTH IF SHE WAS FROZEN AS SHE WAS??? WHAT ACTUAL EVIDENCE WAS LAID OUT TO MAKE HIM/YOU BELIEVE THAT HE ACTUALLY SAVED SOMEONE FROM DEATH???
Look, I don’t believe for one red hot second that Anakin Skywalker doesn’t watch a bunch of melodramatic holos, THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS HE SHOULD KNOW TO ASK.
Yes, Anakin should have totally asked, oh, literally ANY of these questions. TOO BAD HIS DUMB DOOFUS BRAIN COULD NOT GET THERE. He really should never have been let out of the house unsupervised. When Ahsoka left the Order the Jedi should have hired her back on as an independent contractor whose entire job was just babysitting Anakin whenever Obi-Wan had to go somewhere, including whenever he had to leave the room to pee.
ALSO, PLEASE CONSIDER SOMETHING THAT IS MAKING ME LAUGH OUT LOUD: I guess I’ve always assumed that Plagueis must have done SOMETHING related to “saving people from death” in SOME form, but what if Palpatine was just totally full of shit, and Plagueis didn’t know squat about saving anyone from dying, ever? WHAT IF ALL OF IT WAS COMPLETELY FABRICATED BULLSHIT. He knows what Anakin wants to hear, AND he knows he probably won’t ever have to deliver on actually giving that to him, AND by the time Anakin figures ANY of this out he’s going to be in too deep to back out anyways.
This Futurama mashup I made said it best, really:
ALL RIGHT LOOK I TRIED NOT TO GO TO THIS PLACE, I HAVE BOOKS TO BLOG ABOUT AND ALL THAT, BUT I HAVE A HEADCANON AND I WANT TO SHARE IT.
I know there’s Legends stuff from various other authors and such, that the Sith learned how to manipulate midi-chlorians and Sidious learned how to transfer his consciousness into the bodies of his clones, etc. I think, if nothing else, Sidious must have known that it was possible to revive someone through manipulating the Force, you can theorize that that’s what he did with Anakin at the end of Revenge of the Sith. (Though, I prefer that it was just simply that Anakin was so much a literal child of the Force that he survived things that SHOULD have killed him.)
Ultimately, though, I think this was a gamble on Palpatine’s part, that he had absolutely no intention of saving Padme’s life or that it would ever become an issue. I think he knew that she would die and so it didn’t matter if he could follow through on his promises or not, it would never come to that, because she’d be dead (whether by Anakin’s hand when he turned on her or simply forseeing that she was so broken-hearted she died or if you believe he drained her life force away to save Anakin), because Palpatine definitely wanted her dead. He would never have Anakin’s loyalty or have Vader under his thumb so long as Padme Amidala was alive.
So, if we’re going by Immovable Objects of Star Wars History only, PALPATINE MIGHT HAVE BEEN TOTALLY FULL OF SHIT ABOUT IT AND IT WOULD NEVER MATTER BECAUSE HE HAD ZERO INTENTIONS OF SAVING HER, OH MY GOD WHAT A MAGNIFICENT PIECE OF SHIT THIS TURD LORD IS.
DO YOU… DO YOU EVER JUST LOVE SOMEONE SO THOROUGHLY REPUGNANT AND HORRIBLE, BECAUSE THEY GIVE PRECISELY ZERO FUCKS ABOUT ANYTHING EVER EXCEPT BEING HORRIBLE?
konekorambles 