gallusrostromegalus:

gallusrostromegalus:

Someone in the Fort Collins Area owes me an explanation

So, I’m up at my parent’s house to return the power tools I borrowed and say hi, and I’m out walking the dogs. Got a leash in each hand, dual-weilding doggos. It’s a bit tricky but they’re used to this and don’t tangle as much and I’m the only person with good enough knees to stop them when they see snackable wildlife.

Anyway, we’re on the North end of the Poudre River trail, by overland, you know where that long bridge is? And I’m disposing of dog waste right before the bridge like a responsible adult when I hear what sounds like an ice cream truck playing “Yankee Doodle” at roughly five times the speed it’s normally played at and see the following:

There is a gentleman rapidly approaching our location who is also dual-weilding doggos, but in his case he’s got a pair of malamutes barreling down the trail at full Iditarod speed, clearly having the time of their lives. They’re hauling thier human behind them, whom I will describe from the top down:

He’s wearing a helmet, which is the only sensible thing going on here. He also has a magnificent handlebar mustache that is flapping joyously in the unusual October rain. He’s wearing a full body Spandex suit of such intensely clashing colors that is physically hurt to look at, but most importantly

He is riding

A unicycle.

It’s not a normal unicycle either this gentleman is towering over us mortals in an unreasonably massive unicycle, like he’d lost the back end of a penny farthing and decided that was an acceptable means of transportation. I see a device attached to the seat that looks like a pedal-powered music box which explains why my ears are being assaulted with the speed core rendition of Yankee Fucking Doodle. I do not see brakes.

I realize I have half a second to grab my own dogs before they decide to join or topple this strange Traveller from wherever Dr.Seuss books are set. I gather each animal under my arms and stand there with a collective hundred pounds of writhing canine under my armpits as the malamutes pick of speed and as they pass the gentleman cheerfully bellows something at me that I don’t hear because Arwen has already partially broken my hold and is attempting to climb on my head, presumably to launch herself at him.

And then he is gone.

We stand there, staring bewildered in the direction of his last known trajectory, listening as speedcore Yankee Doodle fades into the distance. Even after it is gone I still wait, because the trail ends in half a mile from here and I expect to here a crash, possibly even see a fire explosion. But nothing comes, only the sound of October rain and confused dogs.

So if you know of this gentleman and if he’s still alive/on the material plane, can you ask him something for me?

How the hell does he STOP?

So I posted this roughly 24 hours ago and there are many things we need to cover:

1. Speculation on WHO:

Apparently, a great many people in FoCo have seen this gentleman or someone very much like him! So far people have peculated that The Gentleman I saw has been:

• Someone’s TA
• Someone’s Uncle
• A member of FoCos SECRET CLOWN SCHOOL, which apparently exists. (worrisome)
• A member of the Wild Hunt (equally worrisome)
• An escaped Boulderite (Also worrisome, he may not be vaccinated)
• God
• The Devil
• Mike Tierney, Professional Trick Unicylist from Aspen CO, and while he’s a cool dude with excellent facial hair, it’s not him.  The Gentleman was much younger and has a reddish-brown handlebar.
• “Oh shit, that guy?  Hangs around campus??  I know who you’re talking about tho.”
• The spirit that had been previously trapped inside the Elizabeth St. IHOP but is now freed with it’s closure (most likely)

I am no closer to solving this, but I am glad that I probably didn’t hallucinate this encounter.

2. Speculation as to HOW HE STOPS:

A number of tumblr unicyclists have come in to try to explain to me how unicycles work, but since the exact mechanics of the device are uncertain, possibilites include:

• Just stopping pedaling
• Secret hiden brakes
• You Stop By Falling Off It, maybe the dogs act like airbags? (not reccomended but most likely)
• He Does Not Stop, he just keeps pedalling through dimensional rifts (also a strong possibility)

Conclusion: i don’t know enough about Unicycles to speculate on this

3. Yes, The Arwen mentioned in this story is Also That Arwen.  She is doing well and will be celebrating her ninth birthday this november. It amuses me to be caleld “Arwen’s Human”… becuase he’s not my dog, she’s very much my mother’s dog. I just watch her sometimes.

4. Since y’all seem to like Colorado Cryptids, I’ve que’d up “The Headless Horseman” For my Halloween post.