fireflyfish:

Obi-Wan’s vices…

Obi-Wan Kenobi will tell you that he has vices just like everyone else in the GAR.

Sleep.

Good food.

Properly brewed tea. Not this prepackaged nonsense that tastes like chemicals.

Sleep.

Silence.

A comfortable meditation cushion.

Sleep.

Dry boots.

A week without visiting the healers or needing any kind of bacta.

Did he mention sleep because he really enjoys sleeping?

What Obi-Wan will not tell you is that his vices are more intimate and emotional than physical.

He craves danger, craves the momentary release of the straight jacket he’s tied himself into. He craves the blessed mental stillness of the battlefield, where the hum of his lightsaber and the rushing white-hot river of the Force combine into the purest and sweetest symphony that only he can hear.

He craves the hit of adrenaline when things go sideways, when all of his mental faculties are called into service of the Problem and the search for a Solution. He is smart, clever and so quick with a quip, an answer, a theory and a hypothesis and he loves to be presented with a challenge, something that will give him pause. Something to examine and ponder over because there is so much boring noise and mental clutter in his day-to-day world.

He craves… well… there’s no real way around it. He craves Anakin’s company, his easy laughter and smiles, the casual way the younger man drapes his arm around Obi-Wan. When they are together the world is brighter, funnier and sharper. Music is prettier, food smells better and Obi-Wan doesn’t feel cold and hollow. He craves Anakin’s trust and friendship much in the same way the other man craves Obi-Wan’s approval and demonstrative affection. They are a star and its favorite planet, forever dancing together through life, through battle and through time and space.

But the deepest, darkest and most secret vice that Obi-Wan craves? The one thing he could never admit to? Not even to himself?

He craves honesty. Obi-Wan wants so desperate to be honest, to tell the world how he feels, to wear his heart on his sleeve like Anakin and Ahsoka. To weep for his dead master, to have confessed his love to Satine all those years ago, to tell Anakin how proud he is of him and how much he loves him now. There are so many secrets, harmless, gentle truths kept locked in the depths of Obi-Wan’s soul because he is a Jedi and Jedi do not have attachments and so Obi-Wan lies.

To his men. He is so proud of them. They deserve so much better and he mourns the loss of each of them like he was his own brother.

To his friends. He cannot believe they stay around but he is thankful for them and will support them, even the slightly dodgy ones like Hondo and Quinlan.

To his family. He loves them, so, so much. He is so proud of Ahsoka, so very proud of her improvement and her tenacity. She is such a bright light. And Anakin. Oh how he loves Anakin. He loves and he loves Anakin and would do anything Anakin asked of him. If he were allowed to be honest.

To himself. You love them and you want to tell them how you feel.

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