the holmes we all deserve

metapianycist:

darthlenaplant:

amolecularmachine:

petition for a modern Sherlock Holmes take in which:

Holmes is explicitly aroace.

whatever sexuality Watson is, either a.) he and Holmes are in a relationship, which is made very clear and definite, or b.) they’re clearly not and they get rightfully annoyed at people assuming/insisting that they are.

if there are any gay jokes they had better be up to Captain Holt standards.

if Watson has an SO that’s not Holmes they get to be a significant character in their own right rather than a walking side joke.

re: that post about the way cocaine usage was viewed in Victorian England, if Holmes has a substance abuse problem it’s not a direct transfer of what he used in the original stories but a modern translation of that. which is to say, I want to see Holmes pouring 5-hour-energy into his fifth cup of coffee while Watson beats his head against the wall.

if Holmes has a mental illness it’s recognized and portrayed as an actual realistic mental illness. it is neither there to make him Edgy nor to give him license to be a jackass.

Holmes can totally be a jackass but it’s portrayed as him, in fact, being a jackass, and he isn’t given free pass for it just because he’s Very Smart.

Holmes alternates, seemingly at random, between being charming and incredibly socially adept, and having no social skills whatsoever.

Holmes disguises himself all the time, often for no real reason. sometimes these disguises are exquisite and sometimes they’re utterly terrible and unconvincing, but Holmes remains convinced that they’re all great.

Watson definitely threatens to hit someone with a chair at some point.

Irene Adler has a husband that she genuinely loves and does not get killed off or otherwise abandoned in the course of her story arc.

there is 0% sexual tension between Irene Adler and Holmes. Holmes loses the case because he writes her off as being inferior to him and consequently underestimates her. he learns from this mistake. or at the very least, Watson constantly reminds him of it.

anything that was a factual error or case of science-marches-on in the original stories is brought up as a genuine mistake made by Holmes, as part of his whole I-don’t-need-to-know-things-that-aren’t-relevant-to-me shtick. (”he brought the snake here by whistling for it!” “snakes are deaf Holmes” “what”)

there’s no ominous buildup to Moriarty appearing. he literally just shows up completely out of nowhere just like he does in the original story. Holmes insists he’s been behind everything; everyone else is very confused.

either Holmes, Watson, or both carry brass knuckles.

poor long-suffering Watson has to constantly point out to Holmes that Baritsu is Not A Thing, Holmes, you just made that up okay.

despite being otherwise impeccably dressed, Holmes has a different stupid hat in each episode. none of them are a deerstalker though.

modern versions of other detectives inspired by Holmes (Poirot, Nero Wolfe, etc) occasionally wander into the stories, but their appearances are never called attention to. they’re just there.

at least one reference to The Great Mouse Detective is made.

Holmes gets really into video games when he’s bored between cases. one story has a background plot of him trying to figure out an adventure game puzzle. he’s infuriated when he finally finds the (ridiculous) solution.

Holmes has a fidget cube.

Also:

Beekeeper Holmes. I shit you not, that’s what he did when he retired, so why not have him do it all the time? (Urban Beekeeping IS a thing. AND bees are important.)

Please. For the love of god and the queen. THE INVASION OF THE CLAMS. (Or whatever that thing was Holmes was babbling about when he acted as if he was dying to draw the culprit in or when he had that hell of a trip.)

Holmes is NOT going to turn down that seemingly clear and easy to solve case. He KNOWS that usually things get WAY more complicated.

ALSO. COULD WE PLEASE GO BACK TO THE TIMES HOLMES WOULD POINT OUT AT THE END WHAT EACH CLUE MEANT IF YOU DIDN’T ALREADY REALIZE IT INSTEAD OF THIS BULLSHIT “I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD HAVE POSSIBLY SOLVES THAT CASE BECAUSE MY IQ IS OVER 9000” we got from the BBC series…

I’d be really happy with all of the above even if he wasn’t explicitly aroace (and I’m not sure if I’d want him to be explicitly aroace because of ableist desexualization, since his character traits absolutely code him as neurodivergent)

anyway I need modern holmes to wear ridiculous hats and drink too much 5 hour energy and be obsessed with video games